PETals

Digging Deep

Giridarshini Subramaniam on her journey to the Buddha



When I became part of PET, the last thing on my mind was to be doing a monologue. First and foremost, I’m an amateur when it comes to acting, considering the fact that I’ve only acted in 2 plays thus far (excerpts from William Buck’s Ramayana and Merchant). Therefore, you can imagine how I reacted when I was first told that I was to do a monologue. Although playing a few challenging roles in the previous plays had helped me boost my confidence and let go of my fear of being on stage, I still wasn’t sure if I was capable of holding the attention of a crowd of people for 40 whole minutes all by myself.

Frankly, it’s no easy task to be playing a mother suffering from the loss of her child when I know nothing about being a parent and what it feels like to lose a child.

The toughest thing for me was that I had to hit the right emotions without coming across as exaggerating or excessively dramatic. I think the dramatic value is there so that the character doesn’t seem plain and dull, instead it adds color and makes the character stand out. Nevertheless, it is of utmost importance not to over do it or otherwise the character would lose its originality and seem fake.

Another thing that kept bothering me was the fact that my performance had the tendency to become monotonous. Maybe this was because the script was such too with the repetitive pleading (but how else would a mother express her sorrow of having lost her only child). Along with that, the entire piece was performed at just one spot with a single light shining at my face throughout and seemed very stationary. Therefore, it was easy to lose the audience. So I had to work around the script and put in my own ideas (and Uncle Ket’s ideas too of course) so that the whole thing was not just plain and boring. Starting it right was the most essential thing for me. The moment I dash into stage with the mustard seeds, I HAD to hit the right note; otherwise I knew the whole thing was going to go wrong.

I performed the monologue at three different places. I presented it differently all three times and got three very different responses too. When I first did it in KL, I was pretty nervous and tensed before going on stage, but the moment I was up there, it didn’t seem so hard after all. That was because I had a very interesting crowd who responded well to my performance. I knew I was giving out the right energy when I could see my audience reacting to my pain and distress. It was then that I realized they were feeling the same way I was and it hit me right away that if I was just acting (and not feeling it), they could’ve easily seen through it.

Although my part as Kissa Gotami was well received in KL it only got better when I performed it in Johor Bahru. Personally, I think my best performance was there too. A few amendments were made here (For an example, I stood up and walked around my performance space as I rendered my lines at one point) and I have to say not only was I comfortable with the changes, I was getting better at playing the role of the suffering mother. It was here that I truly lived the character. Not that I did not do it in KL, but there were times I had to force certain emotions. Whereas in JB, everything went well. I felt Kissa Gotami throughout the act, the audiences were brilliant and the ambience was simply perfect. I have to say I really loved it there.


My final performance was in Singapore and unfortunately here, it didn’t turn out the way I expected it to. My biggest fear of becoming monotonous took place here. Alas, I have to admit that I didn’t feel much of Kissa Gotami and just put up an act most of the time.

The fall in my performance that day was really the result of not having enough time to get into character hours before the show. Like I said earlier, I had to start it right. Unfortunately for me, that day, I did not hit the right note when I made my entrance into the confined space, causing things to go wrong. I tried to bring the emotions but I ended up faking it. At one point, even I was getting bored with the way I was delivering my lines. Imagine the audience!

Still, there was a point where I felt anguish and grief building up in me. This was when the mother breaks down realizing she has been deluding herself all the while. At the end of the whole thing, I was upset with myself for the inconsistency in the portrayal of my emotions. There was no smooth flow like the previous times. Maybe if I had a couple of extra hours that day to think about my character, I could have executed it better. Whatever said and done, it was certainly an interesting experience having presented the same piece at different venues and receiving different feed backs from the spectators.

I remember there was an article concerning the show that came out in The Star before I performed in KL and it was titled Journeys into the Psyche. I cannot agree more with the title for it certainly made me explore a deeper layer within me. The script had got me thinking that we are all Kissa Gotami in some way or rather. When we are unable to detach ourselves from something so valuable, so precious to us, we give ourselves hope, deluding our minds in believing that some miracle might happen to bring that thing/person back to us, until once day reality hits and then we realize that there really is no point hanging on to hope but to face the truth and move on. Just like in the story, the mother hangs on to the very last bit of hope that her son would be resurrected.

It certainly wasn’t easy doing this piece of work. I had to dig deep to find the core of my character. It was not just imagination that I had to use to bring the character to life, but also events that took place in my life that has relation to the story (remembering the similar emotions and then using it while performing). Kissa Gotami is one role which will always be close to my heart and Journeys to the Buddha is one priceless experience which I will always treasure and cherish.

posted by ketO9lives @ 5:30 PM